The Sliding Scale of April Fools Jokes
Article by J. Giambino
March 29, 2006 -
The origins of April Fools Day (or All Fools’ Day) are a bit muddled; but the most interesting explanation is that it was conceived as a way to trick those with lesser intelligence into following a calendar starting with January 1st in accordance with papal law (heretofore the calendar year most recognized in Europe began with the vernal equinox, or April 1st).
Times have changed, but humanity has gotten only mildly smarter, meaning it's game-on for the best in April Fools practical jokery. This year, it is unfortunate that this great day occurs on a Saturday; because there won't be any opportunity to put plastic wrap over the toilets at work (the trick loses its good-hearted nature when completed on April 3rd). Nothing scores more old-boy brownie points with your boss, than tricking him into peeing on himself -- it'll get you a hard pat on the back and a hearty laugh. Since this year April Fools occurs on a Saturday, you will have to redirect this career-catapulting move to a more altruistic subject, your roommates. Here are some tricks to play from mild to severe, depending on how much you like or dislike “the victim”, or how sadistic you are.
Mild Hatred – For those friends or strangers who you want to trick, but don’t want to truly hurt.
1) Spray Poop on the ________.
Our friends at E-Party Unlimited sell this great gag for All Fools; the spray poop. Whether you want to trick your mom into thinking the dog you don’t have just made a number two on her coffee table, or just want to play the most disgusting game of silly spray imaginable, this spray-feces not only looks realistic, but omits an odor that is disturbingly authentic (we hope that’s on purpose)*.
2) Plastic Wrap over the Toilet.
This classic is great for the early morning surprise prank. Put the plastic wrap in between the toilet and the seat, pull taught, and wait. If your prankee pee’s standing up then the result is a more-than-average amount of pee on the floor, if they pee sitting down (like many men in the morning or middle of the night and most women we’ve met), then it will get all over said persons legs and on the floor. Remember to laugh uncontrollably.
Average Vengeance – For those that may deserve more, but you’re too scared to give it to them.
3) The shocker lighter.
This product actually allows you to appear to be doing a good deed, and considering All Fools falls on a Saturday, this could be extra useful for a night out of Tom-Foolery. Just hang out outside of a bar or club before midnight (remember after midnight it will be April 2nd, and pulling this will not longer be viewed as good-natured). You must remember, 1) To have the person light their own cigarette (or the dreaded prankfire** will occur), 2) If this gag is your attempt to flirt, remember to have a handy retort to the inevitable, “you asshole” comment, such as “asshole like a fox” or “I only did that to show you that I’m great at giving 'the shocker'" -- both are pretty surefire ways to coitus.
Repressed Rage Unleashed – For those that you truly despise***
4) The _______ is dead phone call.
There is no coming back from this, and it is not recommended for those with any sort of “conscience” or “sense of decency”. Go to one of the few remaining pay phones left in civilization, and call the prankee posing as a police officer****. Tell them that you regret to inform that _____ was killed in a horrible ___________ accident at _______, and then fill in some details to appear legitimate.
“I regret to inform you that Larry was killed in a horrible choking accident at Sizzler, he choked on his 37th chicken strip on his way to breaking a world record. It appears that he stopped attempting to chew them after the 11th or 12th. I’m terribly sorry, but onlookers say that this may have been a suicide, and a painful one at that. Unfortunately, he failed to break the record as well.”
“I regret to inform you that Suzy was killed in a horrible trucking accident at the side of the interstate, according to many of the large and sweaty truckers we spoke too, it appears she had spending quite a bit of her free time there earning extra money.”
We here at OvaHere, believe that these April Fools jokes should all be done in a good-natured way. Remember, some people are good at taking a joke, and others, like certain high-falutin ex-employees who love to file frivolous lawsuits over something said in jest a couple of hundred times… cannot. Make sure you know which one you’re dealing with.
Good night and I love your body.
* To take this prank from the mild level to the sadistic -- spray some of the fake doo-doo on a sleeping person’s hand or on the receiver of a land-line phone. Then tickle the friend’s nose, or call the phone, sit back and laugh, and laugh, and laugh, and laugh, and laugh, and then stop laughing and begin preparing for the inevitable retaliation.
** The prankfire occurs when the carefully planned prank backfires and the prankster unwittingly becomes the prankee. Dreadfully embarrassing to say the least.
*** You are given this opportunity once per year to hurt them under the guise of “April Fools!” -- don’t waste it.
**** OvaHere.com nor any of it’s subsidiaries, intermediaries, or consigliere’s advocate our users committing any felony, including, but not limited to, posing as a police officer on a telephone call to your arch nemesis (even if they deserve it).